The surge of happiness I feel as I roll up in my mom SUV to Aldi is like no other, for I will purchase 7-10 days of groceries for somewhere between $70-129, depending on what’s in stock at home and what’s on sale at My Favorite Store. Aldi is full of signal from the moment I step out of my car and reach for the quarter safely stashed in my heart-shaped Aldi keychain. As a proper Midwesterner who lived in the great state of Kansas for 13 years, I have kept an Aldi quarter in my car since 2010.

Aldi = Personal Responsibility + Incentives

You must take personal responsibility to either use and return a shopping cart, which requires a quarter, or you must find a way to carry your groceries by hand through the store. I’ve seen people use the Aldi-provided boxes for this, as well as their own grocery bags. I’ve also seen one woman use her own collapsible grocery cart—a mind-blowing move I shall never forget! You also see the guy who stacks his items in his arms like Jenga blocks. (I assume this is also the same person who carries all their groceries in at once in 30 tiny, shitty, flimsy plastic bags from the name brand stores).

I very much judge anyone who doesn’t return their shopping cart to the stall at Aldi and all other stores. Be responsible and don’t leave carts in the parking lot, for Satoshi’s sake!!! What are we, animals?

It is rare that I’ve seen someone so lazy as to leave an Aldi cart in the parking lot. It does happen. These soulless ingrates are immune to the incentive of receiving their quarter back. They are not bitcoiners; bitcoiners love incentives. Since this occurrence is rare, it gives me hope that MOST of society are potential bitcoiners.

The Aisle of Shame

Aldi is famous for an aisle (or two) of “Aldi Finds,” but insiders like me refer to this as the “Aisle of Shame,” or “The AOS.” It is a sacred place. You can find everything here from an above ground pool to Swedish cookies. Go nuts. Buy the pants, they’re comfy. Scented seasonal candles? Don’t mind if I do. Need a chair? A laundry basket? Maybe a Squishmallow? How about some off-brand Crocs? (I will judge you if you buy anything resembling a Croc and assume you don’t return your cart if you wear them).

The Aisle of Shame finds I’ve taken home have far surpassed those I’ve found at other stores, like Marshall’s, my other frugal fave. The AOS cannot be beaten. I will always peruse it in search of treasure. There is nothing I won’t buy there on a whim. Don’t tempt me. (Though I’ve heard the sewing machine is rather dreadful, and why wouldn’t it be for $49.99? At least that’s what my memory says it costs, your mileage may vary).

Aisle of Shame Etiquette

Once you’ve found a particularly delectable deal in the AOS, you will feel a surge of excitement so strong that it must be shared with your fellow AOS aficionados. The excitement will take over your vocal cords and you will utter a loud “CAW-CAW!” If you are lucky enough to be inside an Aldi and hear the magical “CAW-CAW,” you must answer back with your own “CAW-CAW!”

This is just how it works. Tell the others.

Ridiculous Seasonal Sales

Sure, you want to take home that giant Santa inflatable, but if you like variety in your food, you gotta know the rhythm of the seasonal sales. May used to mean “gluten-free bonanza,” but that has fallen by the wayside. This was my favorite back when I was brainwashed into that gluten-free bullshit. Real bread is fire. Enjoy life.

Right now, it’s almost October. That means German food is in every aisle! You’re welcome.

# Cashiers Who Don’t Hate Their Lives

Aldi pays its cashiers better than any other grocery chain and it lets them SIT IN A CHAIR as they work, like humans. These cashiers don’t fuck off, either. They get your shit down the line and into your cart (if you were savvy enough to buy one) in the blink of an eye.

Low time preference is cool, but have you ever had your groceries checked out in 90 seconds?

This isn’t Walmart, folks. No Mary Beth slowly scanning your crap like a sloth on barbiturates. Aldi cashiers Get. Shit. Done. And they expect you to scan your card before they finish because you better not waste their time either. They are the gold medalists of grocery cashiers and you will not ruin their perfect record. Keep it movin’!

# The Virtues of Aldi

We know Aldi has the cheapest groceries, so I won’t belabor the point. If you must buy packaged food, it has the most interesting varieties. The produce is pretty much organic, but they aren’t legally allowed to label it that way. I mean, go to Whole Paycheck if it makes you feel better. But Aldi is where it’s at. My Great Peach Run of 2024 was fueled by Aldi. I’ll never forget it. 🍑

There are few places in the world anymore where you can craft a dinner for less than $5, and Aldi is one of them.

Household items are dope and cheap. Why pay more for dish soap or trash bags? Like wtf, man? You don’t get ENJOYMENT out of those things. Stop overpaying for them.

Never, ever buy the mussels. Do buy the skincare. Stock up on ibuprofen and pantry staples like olives and tea. The coffee is alright, much better than it was ten years ago. The Greek yogurt is a must. You’ll pay less for milk and eggs. The beef cuts aren’t the best. But the tzatziki is. Honey is a must. Pay less for pecans. I could go on…

I don’t care how much money I have, I’m going to Aldi first. I’m a “why pay more” kinda gal. Aldi was there for me when I was a poor social worker and journalist who needed to stretch her dollars. I’ll be forever loyal. It’s familiar and comforting. Yes, it’s raised its prices like every other store. But I’ll still never buy dish soap anywhere else.